Earth is ghetto8 billion roommates, zero security depositHousing unaffordable on median wagesHealthcare costs: out-of-pocket bleedingLife expectancy: don't get too attachedAir quality: questionablePolitical polarization: surgingHomicide rates: location-dependentRecommendation: do not move inEarth is ghetto8 billion roommates, zero security depositHousing unaffordable on median wagesHealthcare costs: out-of-pocket bleedingLife expectancy: don't get too attachedAir quality: questionablePolitical polarization: surgingHomicide rates: location-dependentRecommendation: do not move in

The Methodology.

How we turn failures of power into a single tidy number.

What the index is

The Cooked Index is a 0 to 100 number where 100 means "actively cooked." It blends eight metrics chosen so that wealth, power and policy failure drive the score, not poverty. A country full of billionaires where nobody can afford a house, going broke from a hospital visit, with bad air, jammed prisons and a short life expectancy will score higher than a poor country doing its best.

The weights

  • Housing affordability15%
  • Billionaires hoarded13%
  • Healthcare out-of-pocket13%
  • Air pollution (PM2.5)12%
  • Political polarization12%
  • Incarceration rate12%
  • Homicide rate12%
  • Life expectancy (inverted)11%

Sources

SourceMetricVintage
IQAir World Air Quality ReportAir pollution (PM2.5)2025
Forbes World's BillionairesBillionaires hoarded2025
V-Dem + Global Peace IndexPolitical polarization2025
World Prison BriefIncarceration rate2025
Numbeo Property Price-to-Income RatioHousing affordability2025
WHO Global Health Expenditure DatabaseHealthcare out-of-pocket2024
UN World Population Prospects / WHOLife expectancy2024
UNODC Intentional Homicide StatisticsHomicide rate2024

Snapshot of publicly available 2024 and 2025 reports.

Coverage: why only 72 countries?

A country only makes the index if we have all eight metrics for it. Mixing complete and incomplete profiles would let countries game the rank by simply being missing data, which is the opposite of the point. 72 countries cleared that bar in this snapshot.

We'd rather rank fewer countries honestly than rank every country dishonestly. As we lock down more data, the list grows.

Missing your country? Scroll to the bottom of the home page and send us a note.

Obligatory disclaimer

This site is satire. "Ghetto" is used here as a coarse, colloquial shorthand for "things are objectively rough," not as commentary on the people who live in any country. The metrics deliberately punish powerful countries that choose to be cooked. They don't punish poor countries that lack the resources to do otherwise.

If your country scores high, that is the fault of the conditions and the people in charge of them.

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